Tired of your newborn looking pale and stupid.  Well get excited, because Asheville’s premier sweat shop/meat market is now offering baby tanning.  That’s right, the Rush, has converted 5 Easy Bake ovens into pint-sized tanning beds so that your little one will know longer feel self-conscious about its pale pasty skin.  The owners are also hoping to open a studio space in order to offer electrolysis for your dog or cat.  The pet hair will then be donated to Asheville’s first annual Furries Convention coming later this year.


The local suburban death metal sensation, Skull-de-sac, has just been signed to Interscope Records.  Made up of the former members of “Sons of Dentistry” and “The Subpoenis”, Skull-de-sac has been performing locally for a collective 3 weeks.  After their parents bought them a house on the rough side of Montford, SDS began practicing with religious like dedication and it has finally paid off.  Their debut single, from their new album Safe Street?, is entitled “Entitled”, and it features an almost as promising B-side called “I Blame it On My Dad”.

Covered in “Fitch” tattoos, frontman Thad Pennington, explained the lack of  “Abercrombie” ink on his body.  Unfortunately, Snurch had a tough time paying attention so we didn’t catch his reasons, our bad.  However, the bassist, Ashton Mayflower, said something very interesting but it’s really one of those, “should have been there” things.

Anyway, Skull-de-sac, is due to hit the road this October as they kick off the Hollister Fall Fearfest.  A whirlwind tour that will hit 22 cities with the hardest suburban death metal this side of Biltmore Forest.  Before the tour is to set sail they will play a benefit party at the LAB to help raise money for their bro, Brodie Setliff, whose trust-funds are a skosh low.  We wish Brodie the best and can’t wait to turn up Skull-de-sac.

June 14, 2010 – Snurch  writers and owners have to come to a long-term agreement that should ensure Snurch’s survival until at least 2015.  The bitter dispute erupted a week ago, when Snurch writers realized that they had received no compensation for any work. An unnamed Snurch writer explained, “we were all having a brainstorming session while selling our blood plasma, when it hit us, ‘We should be getting paid for our work'”. Adding to the dispute were the writers’ accusations  of  lavish spending by management.  Managment claimed there was no such extravagance.  However, Snurch has uncovered a trail of documentary evidence  that seems to prove otherwise, including  receipts for:  a life-sized love doll with an uncanny resemblance to Dame Edna ($6500), an unfinished peanut butter sandwich encased in lucite allegedly left by Elvis Presley in a hotel room, purchased at auction for $3750, and over $4,ooo worth of pictures of hairy men.

According to insiders, with the newly inked contract in place, readers should expect nothing new from Snurch.

Thanks to the keen eye of one of Snurch’s top reporters, Dickie Wriggs, a new scourge has been identified in the Asheville environs.  This socially spread sickness, now being called PHD or Prolonged Hugging Disorder, has been around for quite some time but the symptoms were often overlooked or ignored.  The CDC, in Atlanta, lists the followings as symptoms:

  • Any hug lasting longer than 10 seconds
  • That same hug accompanied by a soothing “hmmmmm”
  • Swaying back and forth while still hugging
  • Slow rubs in a circular motion on the upper back, clockwise or counterclockwise while said hug is still engaged.
  • Closing eyes while hugging and smiling at the sky

As of now, this plague seems to be concentrated and only causing problems in lines at coffee shops and health food stores. However, there is reason to believe that it is now creeping its way into local farmer’s markets and bakeries.

We will have more on this story as it becomes available.  In the meantime, shake hands and only hug your relatives.

I’m sure that you were just as amazed as the Snurch team was when we found out that shooting old tires, golf balls and mud didn’t stop the gigantic oil leak.  Who would have thought that this well devised plan of shooting garbage into a gaping hole in the earth wasn’t going to work? I mean that was our first idea and it sounded too awesome to fail.  Anyway, an insider who we shall call “Special Agent Frankie the K”, found a list of other ideas that BP was and possibly still is planning on using:

I guess they weren’t lying when they said they had the brightest minds in the world working on this problem.  Personally, we here at Snurch, believe a combination of giant spitballs and monkey poop should do the trick.

The Snurch team has been working tirelessly to create its own iPhone app, and in the process we have become discouraged based on many of our ideas not only being already taken, but also already having failed.  Here is our list of unsuccessful iPhone Apps.

  1. “Chuckit” :  This app  measures, in the feet, how far you can throw your iPhone.
  2. “GroundPound”:  This little wonder measures the amount of force, in pounds, that you can slam your iPhone onto pavement or any surface for that matter.
  3. “YourLastMeal”:  Place your sphincter over the receiver, pass gas and this app will tell you what you’ve recently digested.
  4. “WellDone”:  Place your iPhone in the oven with your Turkey to get the perfect temperature reading.  Celsius or fahrenheit.
  5. “SexOffensive”:  This app takes your current location and searches for nearby sex offenders.  When one gets within 50 ft. of your phone it starts playing either Gary Glitter’s “Rock and Roll pt 2” or this scene from Roman Polanski’s “Pirates”
  6. “DeepBlue” :  Simply carry your phone in your hand while you dive into the water as deep as you can.  It will measure your depth in fathoms.
  7. “CDA”:  Also known as the “Celebrity Death App”.  Be the first to know when a celebrity dies because that’s really important.  Whatchu talkin’ bout Apple?  Too soon?
  8. “KluxKollaborator”:  Are you in the Klan and on vacation but don’t know how Klu friendly the town your staying in is?  Well the “KluxKollaborator” searches for other members using the same app.  Even if they don’t have the app it will search Facebook users personal information and based on level of education and number of teeth it will determine if indeed someone is Klu friendly.
  9. “MerkinXchange”: Find local people who want to buy, sell or trade new and used merkins.  Whats a merkin? Clickme!
  10. “SnurchIt”: Take a picture of something in need of a good Snurching, send it to us and we’ll personally create one for you!

From our friends at Snurch AZ:

In a Snurchy twist, local law enforcement now recommends that women aged 20-35 avoid any man wearing anything linked with the Tommy Bahama brand.

Although, they pose little danger, their distorted self-image may lead to unwelcome sexual advances, leering and age-inappropriate behavior.  They can be easily identified by their clothing and accessories.  The typical shirt will be loose-fitting with a disproportionately large image that celebrates martinis, hula girls and/or fishing.

Ironically, these men use the brand in an attempt to look young.  But the baggy shirts, with their giant nostalgia laden images of a long-gone beach culture shield the truth like powdered sugar on a turd, making avoidance fairly simple for young women.

These men may also attempt to blend in with the younger set by acting as if they are texting on their phones.  But sadly, few of them can muster the dexterity to type the simplest of messages.

As always, there is a tragic side to this story.  As psychologist, Dr. Norman Davis points out, “these are not lifeless robots cruising for young chicks.  They are human beings, usually living with remnants of alienated families.”

Dr. Davis also runs a rescue group that helps men escape from the Tommy Bahama brand illusion and has placed copies of the following poster in bars, nightclubs and urologists’ offices across the United States.

If someone you know is haunted by this affliction, please help.

A promise is a promise!

Have you got a company but no jingle?  Want to have a jingle but you got no jangle?  Well does Snurch have an opportunity for you.

Snurch is taking submissions from all local companies, to create a jingle for free, yes free!

All you have to do is comment and tell us about your company and why you want a jingle.  If you’re selected, we will create your jingle within 2 weeks and then post it here on Snurch.  Below is a sample of the musical magic that Snurch can create.  It was a jingle that we created for Asheville’s favorite restaurant, that’s right, “Beef  O’Brady’s”!


In an attempt to reach out to a new demographic, the Asheville Tourists will be supporting a different local farm every Thirsty Thursday this season.  They have watched the success of the Downtown Market just across the street and were hoping they could draw in some organic food supporters to their next drunken event.  One longtime employee named Clem had this to say  ” tailgate markets are popping up everywhere,  hell you can’t even scratch your sack without pulling up a potato.”  Our response?  What could we say, he was right.  He then spit on our feet and slapped our bottoms as he walked into his office.

We were searching the premises to find someone that might be able to offer us a bit more information when we came upon a man unloading boxes off an old weathered pickup.  His name was Osprey, and he was in fact the first farmer they were to do business with.  He told us that he was the owner of Twirling Turkey Farms and that he was offloading his first asparagus crop of the season.  He then went on to say that The Tourist’s will be offering the Asparagus fried, free and all you can eat.  I don’t know about you but we here at Snurch think something smells funny.

So there you have it folks, the next Thirsty Thursday will feature all you can eat fried asparagus from Twirling Turkey Farms.  Let’s hope that there will be a stiff breeze and  functional plumbing.  Drink, eat and breathe through your mouth, or maybe not.

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