News From our Sister Site – Snurch AZ


In a continuing effort to protect the elderly from peril, the Snurch research team has compiled a list of valuable information.  An understanding of the following 8 statistics can help the elderly avoid almost 3% of the things trying to destroy their essence on a daily basis.

  1. 95% of all internet transactions lead to identity theft.
  2. 75% of pharmacists routinely fill prescriptions incorrectly.
  3. 75% of house fires are caused  by heater thermostats set higher than 62 degrees.
  4. 86% of all home invasions start with a simple knock on your door, usually by a child.
  5. 1 in 3 people over the age of 65 will have their face eaten by a beloved pet while sleeping.
  6. 40% of pamphlets left on front doors are coated with poisons easily absorbed by the skin upon contact.
  7. The average shopping cart handle contains 50% more fecal matter than a  public toilet.
  8. 80% of all burglaries are committed by employees of alarm companies.

Taking the necessary steps to prevent any of the above situations is the first step toward leading a safer existence.  Snurch asks that readers forward this post to 10 people that they love.


Snurch has gleaned some inside information from a cherished Asheville restaurant.  An employee that we shall call “QuailFace” has dropped serious knowledge on Snurch and we have decided to go forward with it.

The Laughing Seed is laughing at all of you.  Yes their meals are vegetarian, yes their food is good, but do any of you know the truth?  We think not.  Of all the loyal vegans and vegetarians that frequent this establishment, how many of you would return if you knew that your vegan meal was being served on pottery made from ground animal bones.  Not just any animal bones but those from stray dogs and cats.  That’s right, they’ve been feeding you tofu served on a glazed and fired bed of lies.  Every time you sink your teeth into a tempeh taco, your fork is scraping the soul of a lost pooch.  Every time you swallow a bite of hempnut burger your feeding a sinister plot to destroy kittens.  Your leafy green earth dinner is being dished up courtesy of Cinnamon and Mr. Jingles.

If that wasn’t bad enough, QuailFace also tells us that none of their “To Go” ware is recycled, it’s all plastic and all paper.  So even if you get your food to go in order to bypass the animal bone china, your food is still being sent out in petroleum-based, tree hating, red state manufactured packaging.

Laughing Seed:  Sowing the seeds of destruction one sinister laugh at a time.

Another Proper Sunday Service.  Snurch is trying out its very first poll, please participate.

Now get snurching and help name that Caption!

It seems as if the Google Fiber we thought we might be getting, isn’t the Google Fiber we thought it was.  In a recent document released from Google headquarters, they said, “because of Asheville’s growing number of senior citizens we’ve decided not to install a fiber optic network but instead have opted to use Asheville as our testing ground for our all new Google Brand Fiber Flakes.”  Snurch would like to remind all of our geriatric readers, to remember to put in your teeth before you eat and always be close to a toilet seat.  Google’s new Fiber Flakes are supposed to be the fasting working fiber cereal on the planet.

Google Fiber Flakes,   “Have a scoop and take a poop!”

Remember folks we here at Snurch, always shoot the truth!

Summer hasn’t quite arrived, yet hot dry weather looks as if it is here to stay.  We here at Snurch care deeply about the environment, so we’ve been scouring the internet to find out what we can do to help, and lo and behold, we found this wonderful video created by Asheville residents on what not to do during a drought.  Enjoy and learn!

Recently, through a combination of careful digging and dumb luck, Snurch stumbled upon something amazing.  Here in our fair city of Asheville, Snurch uncovered a hate group, known as “Southern Effeminate Men Eliminating the North” also known as SEMEN.  Led by Lance Dearborn and Travis Covington, SEMEN seeks to tell the alleged story of  an elite fighting group during the Civil War known as the Rainbow Rebels, an all gay regiment that served directly under, Robert E. Lee.  They say that thanks to the Yankees, the Rainbow Rebels history has been all but destroyed, however, because of these two hate fueled men, Travis and Lance, the story is beginning to be told and the hate is beginning to spread.  Not only are they trying to tell that story but they are also trying to destroy the North and every Yankee in it.

Snurch went undercover and got closer to SEMEN  than we really wanted to, and it changed Snurch’s life forever.  Acting as “Sons that Wished they were Daughters of the Confederacy”, we were invited to a very special initiation party, in order to gain access to the inner circle of SEMEN.  First, we had to be inducted into SEMEN, or else the story would not  be told to us, and this induction was carried out by way of a ritualistic TSGP or Top Swapping Glitter Party.  Unfortunately, that is all we will say about the party, well that and the fact that it was a total hoot!  Anyway, at first SEMEN was dousing us with information and it was almost too much to handle but eventually as the night wore on and Travis grew suspicious, SEMEN was drying up and giving us nothing.  We here at Snurch made a hasty retreat and barely got out as SEMEN almost overtook us.  Luckily for us, we were able to snurch some pictures before we left and even uncover a secret website of theirs.  For all those loyal Snurch readers in the North and for all those Yanks that have caused SEMEN to erupt please be careful and for the sake of your children do not mock SEMEN.  In Snurch’s very humble opinion, SEMEN is a powder keg of hate about to explode and once it does we will all regret the day we let SEMEN rain down upon us.

Below we have released some of our Exclusive Footage:

Travis and Lance saluting the Rainbow Rebel Flag, with a little artistic licence.

SEMEN’s Secret Site…a stain on the internet!

It is now May 3rd, and being a Snurch of my word, I give you:

……………..Snurch Arizona!…………….

Here is their first headline!

“Wet Winter Weather Tempts Camel-Toed Tubers in Fecal Flotilla”

Now that’s a mouthful.  Make sure you click “Snurch Arizona!” link above.

Join the fun and tell your Arizona relatives.  Snurch you later amigos.

For our loyal followers and those looking for a change in how they worship, we now provide the first weekly installment of:

“Church of the Snurch with Pastor Snurch.”  He is wise beyond his years and he is autotuned.

Todays topic is “Wizards”

A local woman, with a purposefully bad haircut and ironic clothing, passed out downtown while walking past Urban Outfitters.  Luckily, a local doctor was on the scene and was able to resuscitate her almost immediately.

Dr. Derby, said that this area has a growing population of individuals who are high risk “Hate Stroke” candidates.  Unfortunately, with tourist season on the march, the occurences of theses “Hate Strokes” will only increase.  The good doctor, moved here about a year ago from San Francisco, and is very familiar with this issue.

He explained that a Hate Stroke is an acute condition of “Hipsterthermia” that is caused by prolonged exposure to excessive lameness and/or new-found popularity.  In this particular instance, the girl had walked passed the window display, where she saw an employee wearing the exact same dream catcher earrings and hypercolor T-shirt.  Before she could realize that it was actually her own reflection, she was overcome by the fact that someone else was wearing something as intentionally lame as she was.

Fortunately for her, Dr. Derby knew exactly what to do.  He drew a handlebar mustache on his face (because hipsters for some reason respond to them) and began reciting lines from “Flight of the Navigator.”  From what we gathered, if you can somehow tap into a movie that is both from their childhood and not that good, you can almost connect with them on a human level.  However, you eventually come to realize that you didn’t actually connect but instead triggered an automated response that is set to activate during traumatic experiences.

Dr. Derby said that the periodical “Hate Strokes” will pass, but the person that suffered them will then forever be a smug little prick.  Sad as it may seem, we must all come to realize that once a person reaches a certain level of coolness we will never see the person, the real person they were, ever again.  It is as if some over the top, bad drawing of a magic flying panther-fish, came down and dusted them with gaudy coolness, and those of us that haven’t been anointed, must forever listen to them speak of things obscure and rare.

And from what has been explained to us, these F-wads are even forming a union.

God help us all.

Snurch is looking for a little reader participation today.  We are  adding a new weekly feature in which you, the reader, adds your own personal snurch about your job.  Have something you want to make fun of or report about your job, then post it on the Snurch’s Facebook page or in the comment section here.

We will select a winner within the next 7 days and post it here on the Snurch Blog!

The winner will also receive a Sweet Smelly Snurch Tee.

So get Snurching snurchers!

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