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From our friends at Snurch AZ:

In a Snurchy twist, local law enforcement now recommends that women aged 20-35 avoid any man wearing anything linked with the Tommy Bahama brand.

Although, they pose little danger, their distorted self-image may lead to unwelcome sexual advances, leering and age-inappropriate behavior.  They can be easily identified by their clothing and accessories.  The typical shirt will be loose-fitting with a disproportionately large image that celebrates martinis, hula girls and/or fishing.

Ironically, these men use the brand in an attempt to look young.  But the baggy shirts, with their giant nostalgia laden images of a long-gone beach culture shield the truth like powdered sugar on a turd, making avoidance fairly simple for young women.

These men may also attempt to blend in with the younger set by acting as if they are texting on their phones.  But sadly, few of them can muster the dexterity to type the simplest of messages.

As always, there is a tragic side to this story.  As psychologist, Dr. Norman Davis points out, “these are not lifeless robots cruising for young chicks.  They are human beings, usually living with remnants of alienated families.”

Dr. Davis also runs a rescue group that helps men escape from the Tommy Bahama brand illusion and has placed copies of the following poster in bars, nightclubs and urologists’ offices across the United States.

If someone you know is haunted by this affliction, please help.


In an attempt to reach out to a new demographic, the Asheville Tourists will be supporting a different local farm every Thirsty Thursday this season.  They have watched the success of the Downtown Market just across the street and were hoping they could draw in some organic food supporters to their next drunken event.  One longtime employee named Clem had this to say  ” tailgate markets are popping up everywhere,  hell you can’t even scratch your sack without pulling up a potato.”  Our response?  What could we say, he was right.  He then spit on our feet and slapped our bottoms as he walked into his office.

We were searching the premises to find someone that might be able to offer us a bit more information when we came upon a man unloading boxes off an old weathered pickup.  His name was Osprey, and he was in fact the first farmer they were to do business with.  He told us that he was the owner of Twirling Turkey Farms and that he was offloading his first asparagus crop of the season.  He then went on to say that The Tourist’s will be offering the Asparagus fried, free and all you can eat.  I don’t know about you but we here at Snurch think something smells funny.

So there you have it folks, the next Thirsty Thursday will feature all you can eat fried asparagus from Twirling Turkey Farms.  Let’s hope that there will be a stiff breeze and  functional plumbing.  Drink, eat and breathe through your mouth, or maybe not.